In a stunning reversal of recent corporate silence and indifference towards the world’s “most popular toy,” Hasbro spokesmen (almost giddily) declared today that they were “throwing down the gauntlet” to their competitors and getting back into the 1:6 scale toy universe “in a BIG way.” According to a jaw-dropping press release received today:
“After observing the loss of millions of dollars in sales revenue to industry competitors such as Hot Toys, Sideshow Collectibles, Mattel and others, Hasbro management has recently undertaken a massive reassignment of its personnel. Scores of department heads (across the board) have either been fired or replaced, while an entirely new management team of product strategy specialists, designers and artists are being hired to revitalize our most popular and long-lived brand—G.I. Joe.
We learned our lesson the hard way, and fully admit our error and misjudgment of the loyalty of GIjOE’s fans. We sincerely regret the many years we’ve allowed our (once) superb brand to bounce around in ‘product limbo’ and for depriving millions of GIjOE fans countless opportunities to add new (authentic Hasbro) products to their collections. That will all now come to an end.
Our goal for 2015-16 will be the MASSIVE reintroduction and revitalization of “America’s Movable Fighting Man,” utilizing multiple interchangeable versions of the original iconic headsculpt set atop an all-new 12-inch super-articulated body. We’re also returning to an almost forgotten marketing strategy previously known as a “razor and blades” approach, enabling us to provide an ongoing supply of all-new uniform and equipment sets. We’re tired of being labeled as ‘short-sighted penny-pinchers.’ We’re in the toy business to be the BEST! To remind our employees of our company’s newly refocused priorities, we’ve just strung a giant banner across the lobby of our corporate headquarters. Guess what it says? That’s right… ‘Only G.I. Joe, is G.I. Joe!”
Bottom Line: This is STUNNING news. After all the years of fans griping and groaning, can this possibly be true? By the sound of this press release, the future of GIjOE looks to be in great hands. Who knows what new developments will be announced in the coming months? Now that it’s APRIL, many FOOLS will soon be jumping for joy! (Insert collective GROAN here.)
(Editor’s note: The above story is of course, a complete fabrication, and it was written purely as an attempt to provide our readers with an exciting and entertaining “what if” diversion on April Fool’s Day. We apologize for any “burst bubbles” of hope or anticipation you may have experienced.)