FLASH! Hasbro Announces “It’s Had Enough” of Shrinking Sales and Low Public Opinion; Vows to Reintroduce 12-Inch G.I. Joes “In a BIG Way” For Iconic Figure’s 50th Anniversary———and Beyond!

In a stunning reversal of recent corporate silence and indifference towards the world’s “most popular toy,” Hasbro spokesmen (almost giddily) declared today that they were “throwing down the gauntlet” to their competitors and getting back into the 1:6 scale toy universe “in a BIG way.” According to a jaw-dropping press release received today:

“After observing the loss of millions of dollars in sales revenue to industry competitors such as Hot Toys, Sideshow Collectibles, Mattel and others, Hasbro management has recently undertaken a massive reassignment of its personnel. Scores of department heads (across the board) have either been fired or replaced, while an entirely new management team of product strategy specialists, designers and artists are being hired to revitalize our most popular and long-lived brand—G.I. Joe.

We learned our lesson the hard way, and fully admit our error and misjudgment of the loyalty of GIjOE’s fans. We sincerely regret the many years we’ve allowed our (once) superb brand to bounce around in ‘product limbo’ and for depriving millions of GIjOE fans countless opportunities to add new (authentic Hasbro) products to their collections. That will all now come to an end.

David's stunning "High Rescue" helicopter pilot box was also created as an exclusive for the DFW Joe club. (Photo: David Howard)

Rumors are also running rampant that Hasbro has reached out to longtime GIjOE fan, David Howard, declaring, “We’ve seen David’s custom boxes, he really seems to understand what we’re going for.” Our only question is, is Howard’s million dollar signing bonus for real too? WOW. Congrats! (Photo: David Howard)

Our goal for 2015-16 will be the MASSIVE reintroduction and revitalization of “America’s Movable Fighting Man,” utilizing multiple interchangeable versions of the original iconic headsculpt set atop an all-new 12-inch super-articulated body. We’re also returning to an almost forgotten marketing strategy previously known as a “razor and blades” approach, enabling us to provide an ongoing supply of all-new uniform and equipment sets. We’re tired of being labeled as ‘short-sighted penny-pinchers.’ We’re in the toy business to be the BEST! To remind our employees of our company’s newly refocused priorities, we’ve just strung a giant banner across the lobby of our corporate headquarters. Guess what it says? That’s right… ‘Only G.I. Joe,  is G.I. Joe!”

Bottom Line: This is STUNNING news. After all the years of fans griping and groaning, can this possibly be true? By the sound of this press release, the future of GIjOE looks to be in great hands. Who knows what new developments will be announced in the coming months? Now that it’s APRIL, many FOOLS will soon be jumping for joy! (Insert collective GROAN here.)

(Editor’s note: The above story is of course, a complete fabrication, and it was written purely as an attempt to provide our readers with an exciting and entertaining “what if” diversion on April Fool’s Day. We apologize for any “burst bubbles” of hope or anticipation you may have experienced.)

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30 thoughts on “FLASH! Hasbro Announces “It’s Had Enough” of Shrinking Sales and Low Public Opinion; Vows to Reintroduce 12-Inch G.I. Joes “In a BIG Way” For Iconic Figure’s 50th Anniversary———and Beyond!

  1. Anonymous says:

    GOT ME GOOD!!!!! If it were only true!

  2. Big Daddy K says:

    This has got to be an April Fools joke. 😢

  3. Keith Hill says:

    An April Fool’s joke obviously . 

  4. scott hill says:

    Knew it was April Fools. Not Funny. Don’t we have enough dashed hopes in this world without people pulling junk like this? Why not do an April Fools about something bad instead and then surprise, it’s NOT true?

  5. Anonymous says:

    April Fools everyone, Show me!

  6. April Fools for sure!

  7. Anonymous says:

    Thats just not right, April Fools or not. Someone deserves to be on the “naughty list” next Christmas.

  8. T rent says:

    Didn’t get me. I learned my lesson from the Mercury 7 figure set. Boy, that one hurt! And yes, I do still want it.

  9. Matthew Pak says:

    The only way Hasbro is going to make more 12 inch G.I. Joe figures in the near future is if they make Joe Colton Jem’s new boyfriend.

  10. Anonymous says:

    grrrrr

  11. kneonknight says:

    If only this ‘news’ hadn’t come on April 1st…

    And all you grouches up there need to sell off some of your Defenders figures and buy a sense of humor.

    • scott hill says:

      I have a great sense of humor, this wasn’t funny or cute. Funny for April Fool’s Day would be if some new figure was coming out and you said they are being released this week … April Fools they won’t be out till May. THAT is OK. I don’t have any “Defenders” or know what they are and don’t really care to.

    • Anonymous says:

      LOL @ all the crybabies. Amazing. “It’s April Fools Day and I’ve been fooled, but it wasn’t funny because the 40 year-old virgin in me cannot accept the fact that I can’t buy new toys!” What would happen if this news were TRUE? You’d then say, “Nah, too expensive, I’ll wait for them to go on clearance.”

      • scott hill says:

        I buy new toys all the time and will buy new Hasbro stuff if and when they release it, as soon as they release it. Sitting around waiting for it to go on clearance is a lot of what causes the problem in the first place.

  12. Roy Jones says:

    He does this every year. He got me a long time ago. I was ready for this.

  13. David Manganaro says:

    I knew I was going to get tricked when I read this but I still hoped that I was wrong and this was true. Haha! Oh well!

  14. Anonymous says:

    Damn yer eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arghhh. Drivin’ me nuts!

  15. Anonymous says:

    What a cruel, cruel joke! Loved it!

  16. ozzierod2013 says:

    I must be a REAL fool for my Joes. Got me good Mark. I wish I could say it was funny. Took me a while until I realized it was April 1st. Not nice. I will figure out a way to get you back. Real good. Take good care, Joe buddies. Let’s hope Hasbro is saying: “Who told them? It’s true, no joke.”

  17. Jones Boys says:

    Dang it! DANG IT! and DANG YOU!!! I wanted just ONE piece of news today that made me happy…just one! 😦

  18. Gary says:

    YOU DOG!!! YOU had me at …. HASBRO!

    • At some point Gary, all we’re left with are our dreams. So as Steven Tyler (of Aerosmith) would sing… “Dream on. Dream on. Dream on. Dream on till your dreams come TRUE!”
      🙂

  19. Philip Mahe says:

    That was the best or should I say the worst April Fools joke ever. Had me going, good thing I read all of it. —Phil

  20. Phil Mahe says:

    Good one. Good thing I checked the date on the email first.
    If only it was true.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Dude, that sucked worst that Ryan Seacrest and his surprise announcement of the early secret wedding of Kim and Karny. And I don’t like Seacrest!

  22. Allen Yuen says:

    Very well written. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

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