“America’s Movable Fighting Man” to be Replaced As Hasbro Announces Its New Plans for G.I. Joe

“Wait Til You See What’s Coming in 2014!”

This early package mockup of the first "Civil Service Joe" to be released, the "Fax Machine Repairman," appears to show the figure is a "talker." This really is exciting! (Photo: Mark Otnes)

This early package mockup of the first “Civil Service Joe” to be released, the “Fax Machine Repairman,” appears to show the figure is a “talker.” This really is exciting! (Photo: Mark Otnes)

Those were the encouraging words shouted by two leading Hasbro executives as they came out of a historic closed-door negotiation session this morning, held between the company’s New Product Division and its PR Department. According to reliable sources, leaders of the two groups have been deliberating for weeks over the future positioning of Hasbro’s iconic toy brand, G.I.Joe. According to Hasbro company spokesperson, April Hemilak, the results may come as quite a surprise to some…

“We believe military and adventure-themed toys have run their course and that it’s time for a change. Our latest plans include creating an all-new “Civil Service Joe” line, dropping the “G.I.” part of the name completely, and repositioning these figures as content civil service workers; something along the line of a “Sewer Worker Joe” with “Manhole-Opening Action,” or possibly a “Park Playground Repairman” with real “Teeter-Totter Tightening-Grip.” We’re not quite sure of all the details yet, but that’s the kind of future we see for this toy line.”

“America’s Barely Movable, Non-Fighting Man”

Since its introduction in 1964, the GIjOE action figure brand had proudly represented military branches of the world and adventurers. But clearly now, it appears that Hasbro believes its former “action figure” should adopt more “normal” pursuits. So, as Joe switches over to the world of civil service employment, collectors will finally be able to reenact those scenes of Street Cleaning, Tax Preparation, and even Window Washing, that they’ve long been denied. LeRoy Franco, of the Civil Service Workers of America, giddily agreed, saying…

“It’s about time we were made into action figures. Sweeping streets and painting curbs can be exciting too. You should see all the cigarette butts and candy wrappers I pick up everyday. And those clogged sewer grates…Man, they’re full of leaves! Now THAT’s exciting work. I can’t wait to hear what that April gal from Hasbro announces next. You’d have to be a Fool not to buy these new Joes!”

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7 thoughts on ““America’s Movable Fighting Man” to be Replaced As Hasbro Announces Its New Plans for G.I. Joe

  1. Wayne Faucher says:

    You know, I’d believe anything coming from the big H…..

  2. Jamie Jennings says:

    There are always plenty of good uniforms to put a new JOE into! I’ll buy them, and enlist them into military service the same day!! Hooah!!!

  3. Paulo Duarte says:

    APRIL FOOL !!!!!!!!!! ;))))))))))

  4. alan says:

    Hey, it could be the new pc Adventure Team… I can’t wait for the file cabinet accessory sets! Wooo 😉

  5. Yodamaster says:

    Y’know, this wouldn’t be so bad. It would get those stupid Roadblock, etc, out of stores. We need more 60s and 70s, not 80s. When was the last time we had awesome remakes of Adventure Team sets with original box art and everything, umm lets see, NEVER. Hasbro needs to think about it’s older market, too. They focus on the kids’ desires WAY too much. Look at Mattel, they’re doing great with Mattycollector. But NOO, we get the gi joe club with over priced figures and accessories.

  6. G.I. Jay says:

    Frankly, IF this is for real I am very disappointed in this direction. It limits the imagination which should soar above mundane reality. Granted, there is nothing at all wrong with being a sewage engineer or fax repairman. They are all needed. My point however, is that a generation of kids who are not encouraged to dream BIG with their imaginations most likely will not reach beyond the mundane. Perhaps most will not (in reality anyway), so childhood play is the ideal time to do so. Even if only if in their imaginations.

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